The Fall Decade Ride

October 15, 2012

I know there hasn’t been much news for a while, and I am sad to say I haven’t been focusing much on art lately. I’m still adjusting to life off the bus and trying to figure out where I’m living and how to make some money to live there. At the moment, my studio is overflowing with boxes and bags of Phin & I’s things while we try to reorganize our lives. So not much art. But! I did just make a little video short from our fall Decade ride. It was my very first fall Decade and it was so lovely and magical. The weather was perfect and as always to food, fun and company was absolutely splendid. So enjoy a little snippet of decadence ♥

On The Road…

August 17, 2012


Hey all! I’m on the road with The New World Manifesto, and it’s been great! We’ve been working hard filming our daily episodes. Running on very little sleep, and fueled by copious amounts of coffee we’re basically all go all the time.

At the moment we’re in Brooklyn NY, filming episode 5. At the same time, we are preparing to premiere our first batch of documentaries tonight at The Body Actualized Center, a community space and yoga studio at 143 Troutman St. in Bushwick. There will be films and discussion, followed a big party! It’s going to be a lot of fun so if you’re in the area, stop in! The show starts at 9pm.

If you don’t happen to be in NY today, you can watch our films as they’re uploaded on The New World Manifesto website, and don’t forget to follow the blog (filled with beautiful still images and accounts of our adventures) and like us on Facebook! Hope to see you tonight!

The End Is Nigh!

August 6, 2012

Here’s our Vermont crew. We also have Grant & Natalia flying in from Poland on Tuesday and in Denver we’ll be picking up Anestis, who is flying in from Germany.

Hey everyone! So I will be leaving soon on a journey of epic proportions! Starting August 11th I will be embarking on a 40 day 40 night, 8000 mile odyssey across the USA in a vegetable oil powered school bus creating a documentary about the
coming of the end of the world!

According to the Mayan calendar, the world as we know it will end on Dec 21st 2012. Our goal with this project is to collect ideas from free thinkers around the USA of what we want our new world to be like and use that information to create a manifesto which we will then bring to Chichen Itza Mexico on Dec 21st, 2012 and offer it to Gods.

My job in all of this will be to transcribe and illustrate our manifesto as we go. I hope so much that you will come and follow us on our journey and be a part of it! We will be uploading short documentary episodes daily and we will keep you posted on all that is happening along the way, and we would love to hear your feedback and ideas and see you along the way!

So please, join me and the crew of The New World Manifesto by following us on facebook and through our website at http://www.thenewworldmanifesto.com/ And if you are interested in our project, if you are excited to see our adventures and interviews, if you want to be part of the action we would very much appreciate your donations to our Kickstarter!!

Thank you and please forward this widely and support our cause!

The Lemur & The Circus Strong Man!The Cat & The MouseThe Elephant & The FrenchmanThe Gazelle & The Cupcake ❤Giraffa Camelostovepipalis & The RatRabbit & Ladybug
The Crow & The HoboBear & The PrisonerThe Fox & The Tea PartyThe Loon & The FishermenThe Mouse & The Sousaphone player on a grassy knollSwan & The Bunny Writing His Memoirs
The Hampster & The Black Bird Dinermpster & The Black Bird DinerSeahorse & The Equine

What Lives In Your Stomach?, a set on Flickr.

Mental Health, Round 2

February 13, 2012

 

Okay, that took much longer to write than intended. It was partly because I was busy, partly because I was depressed and miserable (thanks to STILL being mostly one-handed, among other things). But here is the next installment of my update on my progress.

 

The trip home to Vt was intense and trying and therapeutic. It was helpful to be on the road, with almost no chance of seeing anyone I knew while at the same time I was constantly feeling like a spectacle for looking so obviously out of place in all of these small towns. I wore pants and a hoodie almost every day (which is not my style at all) just to blend in (also not my style). The one day I put on a skirt and wore my usual wild attire I felt so nervous and ended up in such a panic after going into a diner to use their bathroom and having the whole room turn to stare at me that I made my mother pull off the interstate so I could change.

 

But the hardest part was dealing with my mother. Not so much her but the effect I was having on her. Having my boyfriend leave me when I needed him most, when I felt safe and secure, finally, that he wasn’t going to leave me left a huge hole in my heart and my confidence was shattered. For the first time in my life, I was actually worried I might do something to drive my own mother not to love me anymore. My fear of loosing everyone I love was so big that I was able to do things I couldn’t do before. The fear of my problems driving my mother away became bigger than the fear of talking to people or going out. I tried so hard to feign normalcy just to keep my mom from seeing how truly fucked my state of mind was. When she saw it, saw the panic or anxiety, it stressed her out so much. She had no idea how to deal with me. That’s why I hid it as much as I could, so I wouldn’t scare her away.

 

In the end, it was instrumental to my “recovery” or rather, my ability to be myself within society, to be me with all my problems and still able to walk down the street. I think perhaps I went into “survival mode”, which has always served me well. Because I had to, I started going out and doing what needed to be done. People used to tell my boyfriend and my sister that what I needed was to go out, to be forced to live normally. I still think they were wrong. I still believe that what I needed was to be alone and build my strength and I know that if anyone ever tried to make me go out during those years of isolation my reaction would have been panic mixed with anger. There are a very select few (meaning 2 and even they frequently meet with resistance) who can tell me what to do; anyone else who tries usually meets with hostility and contempt. So for me personally, the only way for me to go back out into the world was to be backed into a corner and have that be my only viable option. It had to be my decision, or it never would have had a positive effect.

 

When I first got back to Vermont, I was by no means at my best. Life was still incredibly hard. I often felt incredibly stressed and anxious. I would get so worked up in minor conversations with my mom that I would have to separate myself to calm down. I still avoided people and spent almost all of my time at home for months. Coming home was by no means an instant cure, but I believe it was a vital step to a beautiful and healing place where I could be outside and go for long walks without fear. Here I was able to work on parts of my well being that I had neglected.

 

There will be more to come, but I’m not pretending that I’ll actually stick with any sort of time-table. It’s coming… eventually.

Today I learned that it’s Mental Health Awareness Week. While I have major issues with the term “mental illness” (implying that all people who are sensitive to the traumas faced by so many, or who can’t conform properly to our strict and often unreasonable societal rules, written and unwritten, are just “sick” and need to be shut away or medicated), I still think mental health it’s a very important topic.

It made me realize how much I’ve neglected this blog, and how much I left unsaid after my long, grief-filled absence. I think now is the most important time of all for me to share my experiences with the few of you who want to hear them, and the many out there who might benefit from stumbling upon them on this great resource we call the internet, now that I’ve conquered the worst of it and am living a fairly “normal”, happy and independent life.

This is a long story and will have to be written in installments since at the moment I’m suffering from severe tendonitis and am unable to use my right hand.

So I’ll need to go back in time first, I think. When I stopped writing over a year ago, it was spurred by a very traumatic event for me. In therapy, I spoke out for the first time in my life about the trauma in my past and less than a month later my boyfriend (who was not only my lover and my rock but also my main caregiver while I was locked away from the world, and my advocate to the outside, legally and informally) was gone. The pressures of loving and caring for someone so broken and incapable had finally gotten the best of him. He stood by me for so long and I greatly appreciate it and can understand why he left, but at the time I was only angry, hurt and depressed beyond belief. At the same time, an argument with my sister left us not speaking for quite some time. And some poor decisions made by my therapist resulted in me quitting her as well.

I spent months completely secluded in my studio, having multiple panic attacks per day and unable to eat or sleep much at all. I began exercising compulsively, in an attempt to wear myself out so that when I lay down to sleep I wouldn’t feel as if I were being electrocuted. I worked on some very intense and disturbing art pieces and spent the rest of my time crying, walking on the treadmill and doing sit-ups push-ups and any other type of exercise I could think of until I could barely stand.

Around this time, my mother decided it was time for me to come home. Being the most loving and dedicated mother (even when her baby is far too old to be considered to need babying) she spent far more time and money than she had to give flying to Washington, loading my belongings into a truck and renting a car to drive the two of us, my dog and two cats 3,000 miles across the country and back to Vermont.

Stop in later for more of the story, hopefully I’ll have it up in week or so but perhaps longer considering WordPress barely works with dial-up and old-ass computers.

Newness

August 13, 2011

Hey all. So life’s been crazy and intense but I’m starting to feel like I’m back on my feet finally. Sorry the whole ‘documenting my struggles’ thing didn’t really pan out… It’s awfully hard to put your thoughts and feelings out into the ether when you are so unhappy… At least it was for me. Things got so SO  bad for a bit there… But now I’m back in Vermont staying with my mama and I feel a lot better. I always feel good when I’m here, how can I not? It’s just such a beautiful, peaceful and serene place to be.

I’m working hard my dolls these days, too. Not making any new girls at the moment just preparing the ones I have for the art show I’m having in October! I’m so excited and really nervous but I think I’m ready this time. Since I’m actually going to attempt to ‘make it’ as an artist, I decided to start a new website just for my art. It’s still in the works (mostly because I only have dial-up at my house and my flickr account ran out!) but hopefully I can get it up to par before October. Feel free to come and check me out and subscribe on Facebook if you’re interested in what’s happening with my dolls and other art. I’m really hoping I sell some… I don’t really want to part with them but if I had money, think of all the fantastic art supplies and fabrics I could buy!!!

So come and see me on <a href=”http://www.facebook.com/pages/Poppets-Lace/163928737024920/&#8221; rel=”nofollow”> Facebook! </a>

P.S. – I know the new site’s a bit sad, but I’m working on it!!

So the weather has improved and seeing as how I really have nothing pressing to do (and inspired by David’s comments on my last post, in which he persuaded me that my flower photos aren’t as lame as I had thought), I spent the day yesterday obsessing over the macro setting on the camera and taking photos of a million tiny things in the yard. In all I think I took over two hundred pictures, but most of them were scrapped.

I’ve decided to post a little tribute to weeds. It often bothers me when people look at a little wildflower and say ‘Oh, that’s just a weed’ as if it’s not as pretty or worthy as something that was bought at a nursery. Maybe it’s because most of the wild plants here are foreign to me, but I think that they are all so lovely, I don’t understand why they get so little recognition for it! So many lovely little flowers are regularly pulled up, sprayed with pesticides or just completely overlooked (due to how extremely tiny they can be). So I went about my day on a quest to take flattering pictures of the weeds and wild plants around my yard so as to give them a well deserved spotlight.

So we’ll start with these, the beautiful (and very teeny) flowers which I can’t identify. I hope that if anyone reading this knows the names of these wildflowers, they’ll let me know.

Thanks to Jomegat, I now know this is Mouse-eared Chickweed

Since my original posting of these photos, a friend has told me the name of this little weed, it’s Cleavers and has a ton of awesome medicinal purposes!

Now for some I do know!

Miner's lettuce, one of my very favorites! Not only is is very pretty, but it is SO yummy! The leaves and stems are so crisp and delicious. There's a patch of them growing in this little nook in the yard, and I've started trying to cultivate them.

The beginning buds of Turkey Tail growing on a decrepit old planter. I just love the wood grain in this photo.

A Wild Rose being pollinated (and possibly gnawed on)

I know a lot of people cultivate these purposefully, an even buy them at nurseries, but here they grow wild and I saved these from the mower not too long ago. I was afraid they weren't going to pull through after the transplant, but here they are blooming and looking fantastic!

These make my imagination go wild! A series of bottles stuck in the ground outside (I have no idea what the purpose was for them) with little plants growing inside them! None of the photos I took did them justice, but this one will have to do.

I'll always love clover, they remind me of my childhood.

I almost missed this amazing little lichen. I didn't even notice it when when I was weeding around it last week! It's easy to miss, being so small, but if you take the time to look closely, it almost seems that this is where stars grow, before floating up to the sky ♥

I love Salal. The flowers are so sweet and angelic and I love the way the stems of the bush zig-zag all over the place, not to mention the berries! Sometimes it feels like everything in this area is edible!

So here's another lichen, which I don't know the name of. But this photo is one of my favorites. It reminds me of when I was young and everything I looked at had the potential to be a tiny world for me and my toys. All I had to do was get up close, and I could see doorways and porches and furniture, a whole little world or even universe for my imagination.

It was so hard to get a good photo of this! Even though it really is so pretty. Usnea is the first plant I ever tinctured and also one of the first plants I learned the medicinal and practical uses for. When I was traveling in a small circus through Oregon, we stopped to camp for a few weeks with a group of tree sitters near Fall Creek. It was from them that I learned that Usnea was a great substitute for toilet paper >.<

I've saved this one for last because I think it's the most incredible. I can't believe I have never looked at a Dandelion so closely before to see all the beautiful little swirls and spirals! It just goes to show how easy it is to overlook the beauty in the world when you are 'used to it'

So there you have it, my tribute to the world of weeds and teeny, overlooked wild plants. I hope that you found it interesting, since I know people don’t read my blog looking for gardening info! I just wanted to share what’s growing (and give myself a reason to take two hundred pictures!)

June 16, 2010

Well, it’s hard to follow that last post. I was so angry at everyone and everything. I’m not feeling like that anymore, but I’ve still given up the whole social anxiety forum bit. One of the main reasons that I am embracing my agoraphobia rather than trying to get over it is because I have this compulsion to try to help others, and end up neglecting my own needs. So I don’t think that writing on a forum where I’m just giving advice all day is really very healthy for me right now. Somehow I need to find the balance between the two, to take good care of myself so that I am able to care for others, because it’s what I love to do.

I still don’t have much to show as far as pictures go, or art. I have been wanting to make art (I even got a request to make a doll from our local currency group) but I can’t do anything. The garage is just that, a garage. In order for it to be a studio, we have to take down all the cardboard and put up drywall, but Joe is so busy, who knows when that will happen. So at the moment all of my art supplies are in a pile in the corner, I can’t get to my things and so I am sitting around waiting for something to happen.

These pictures don't really go with this post, they seem to hold promise of sun and summer which is not the reality here at the moment. I took them when we first moved in, and I've been waiting for a reason to use them. I just plopped them in here because of my lack of pictures, though I find them a bit boring.

The weather has also been pretty rotten, so I haven’t been outside much. It’s been cold and rainy, spring is seemingly going to go on forever. We did have a couple nice days, but I don’t think I utilized them as much as I should have. At least we finally planted in the garden. We were waiting for our foodstamps to come in, because we needed them to buy starts, and once they did we got some good stuff. We planted a bit late in the season, but at least we planted! Now we’ll have pole beans and tomatoes, greens and basil, zucchini and brussel sprouts. Also, the strawberries are starting to ripen, but I read that they should have been thinned in the spring, so we might get a smaller yield than we expected.

What I’m really excited about the pole beans. I don’t know why but I just love them! It’s not even for the beans, which are terrific and so yummy, but mostly for the way they grow. Perhaps it’s just a lovely childhood memory for me, the tee pee seemingly made only leaves that I would climb under to play. It’s such a lovely thing to be inside a bean tee pee, surrounded by beautiful lush green leaves and to just sit and pick and eat what is growing there. I wanted to post an old picture from my childhood, of my father standing in the bean tee pee, but I don’t have it anymore. I think my external hard drive is dead… I may have lost most of my pictures.

May 28, 2010

Lately this blog seems pointless. I really wanted to start it in order to get my experiences with my social anxiety out into the ether and to have a place to talk about my art, but lately I’m not using it for either.

I recently joined a forum called SocialPhobiaWorld. com. I’ve been writing on it a lot and I was really enjoying it. I was doing what I do best which is giving advice and trying to help people. It was going well and I even got a bit of inspiration from reading other people’s stories. But the other day, I replied to a thread called “Why can’t I talk about myself” where I voiced that the reason I spend all my time on the forum giving advice and not talking about my deep-seeded issues is because I feel that no one wants to listen. I had just written on another thread where I had said something extremely personal and intense. It was a rarity for me, I usually don’t do that, but I was really feeling like this forum actually WAS some sort of community for me. The problem is, after I bared my soul, everyone who had been writing back and forth stopped. Then when I wrote about it on the “why can’t I talk about myself” thread, the conversation there also stopped. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m expecting too much from this internet “community”, but I can’t help but feel hurt and angry.

My whole life, I’ve always had trouble finding people who actually will listen to me, when I’m not giving advice. I’ve had one friend after another, from middle school all the way through my adult life who would rather turn the conversation around to themselves or hang up the phone rather than hear what is bothering ME. Because of this, I stopped talking about me. Now, I actually HAVE people who want to listen. My boyfriend, my sister, my friend who I lived with two years ago but I don’t talk to them. Now this aversion to speaking my heart has become a habit. It’s so hard to be real with people because somewhere inside me I feel that they don’t actually care, even when they say they do.

Right now, I am angry. I don’t want to tell anyone anything ever again. I am so mad at all the world for being so selfish. I am so frustrated that I actually trusted random strangers on the internet to listen to me, when I couldn’t even get it from people I called my friends. I am so full of rage, I keep lashing out at Joe and Sarah. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have no desire to make art, no desire to do anything. I’m just angry. And I’m definitely not going to write on that forum anymore. It makes me feel so used when everyone loves to listen to me talk about them, but they wont even respond when I talk about myself.

I’m pretty sure I antidoted my remedy, and I hope that I feel better when I take it again. I know that anger is a huge step up from how I usually feel without it, which is depressed and unmotivated, but anger feels so awful. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, it’s so painful.

So I wonder what the point is of this blog? I have 9 subscribers and at least three of them are family. Who am I even talking to? Who is listening? Who cares? It seems pointless to keep it up when I don’t even know if anyone is reading. And it’s been so long since I made any art… I don’t even have pictures for my posts right now… And I don’t care enough to find any. I just don’t care. So maybe I’ll keep writing, maybe I wont. I guess the only way I’m going to keep this up is if I care enough, because I’m not going to sit around waiting for other people to.