Lets talk about me now, shall we?

March 5, 2010

it’s so hard to convey sarcasm when you’re writing…

well, i’ve paced around my house, attempted to work on projects then ended up avoiding them, smoked way too many cigarettes and made a cup of tea… and now i think i’m ready to write this thing. i can’t seem to focus on anything else so maybe it’s what i need to do.

maybe i should start by explaining my situation. well… (this kinda hard) for almost 2 years now i’ve been suffering from some sort of severe anxiety disorder complete with panic attacks and agoraphobia. i don’t leave my house unless i’m going to see a doctor and other than them i don’t talk to anyone outside of my sister and my boyfriend who live with me. it’s been a really hard time for all of us. my boyfriend, joe, has been with me since this started and has had to take care of me through incredibly severe panic attacks, fear of my roommates and most people and my gradual withdrawl from the rest of the world. my sister, sarah came to live with us last year. we haven’t been close in a long time but we’re getting there. thanks to the fact that i’m completely relying on her and joe to bring me food, wood for the stove and whatever i need from the outside world, we’re getting close fast. i also have a terrific therapist who is helping us all to deal with what’s going on with me and to form better relationships.

personally, i don’t really like western medicine. it’s good for when you need surgery or when you break a bone, but mostly i avoid it. and my feeling haven’t changed even with my current mental state. somehow i’ve managed to stick to my convictions through all of this and avoid western meds and treatments, but it’s been hard. many people have tried to convince sarah and joe that what i’m doing is all wrong. people have tried to convince them to have me committed, to put me on strong medication and probably a slew of other things they don’t tell me about. everyone thinks they know what’s best for me but they don’t.

through seeing a homeopathic natutopath and a counselor, i’ve managed to get to a place where i almost feel comfortable. when this started i was having multiple panic attacks per day and hiding under my desk or in the closet, going catatonic and feeling depressed and suicidal. now i’m basically happy, most of the time. i’m still afraid of going out and i still have the anxiety, but i’m working on it. what’s important is that i’m working through it. i could never just take drugs to cover up my symptoms and go out and get a 9-5 job and pretend i’m okay while i pop xanex all day long. what i’m doing is slow, and hard, and putting me in debt, but i’m finding the roots. i finally know why all this is happening to me and i’m working on getting past it.

the reason i wanted to start a blog is because since all this started, joe and sarah are constantly telling me stories of people (mostly women) they’ve met who’ve been through similar situations. i realized that way too many people in this world struggle with this sort of thing all alone, feeling embarrassed or ashamed that they just don’t function like everyone else. so i wanted to write about what’s happening to me (even though it’s really REALLY scary and, yes, i do feel embarrassed) so that maybe i could help people see that there’s nothing wrong with being different.

i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me. i don’t think i have a chemical imbalence or and mental defect. i don’t even think my life experiences are wholly responsible for my condition. i’m just different. i spent most of my adult life traveling and homeless. i have trouble expressing myself with words and make art to let out what’s stuck inside me. i have trouble working and staying on one task for too long. i compulsively and rigorously attack projects that inspire me and wont stop until they’re done or i’ve lost the feeling that held me there. this is me. and i’m okay with it. i never want to work a normal job or live a normal life. i’d rather live under a bridge than work behind a desk and if i can’t make a living with my art i probably will.

i called this blog “over under” because that’s how i feel. we spend our lives suspended in water and no one can be above it 100% of the time. sometimes i’m over, sometimes i’m under, but that’s okay. i wouldn’t have all the neat dolls i’ve made if i didn’t sew “over under”, it’s the only way to make two pieces of fabric stick together, and it’s the only way to make me and this world stick together.


One Response to “Lets talk about me now, shall we?”

  1. Thanks for the greet article, I love reading it!

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