After 15 hours of sleep…

March 9, 2010

I’m still a bit tired. But I think it was enough sleep for now. Staying up all night is so confusing. I had no idea what day it was and it took me three tries to count how long I slept. I really don’t think it’s healthy for me to stay up all night like that, but I feel like I have to sometimes. It seems like every night I stay up a little later than the night before and then eventually the sun’s coming up and I’m still not tired. Staying up for 40 hours or whatever is sort of how I reset my clock, since I really don’t want to be in the habit of sleeping through ALL the daylight. We have so little here to begin with.

I really think this blog is going to be a bit of a mountain for me. It’s really hard to keep myself from being superficial. I want so badly to be real, to write about what’s going on in my head, not just with my art, but it’s so hard. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of who will read it, but maybe no one will read it. I don’t know.

There’s a part of me that wants people to think I’m strong and happy and beautiful all the time. That’s how I always felt in high school about the popular girls. They seemed like they were just perfect all the time. It wasn’t until I went to boarding school that I realized all those perfect looking girls go home and have major issues just like everyone else. But for some reason that realization didn’t make me lower my expectations for myself. I grapple everyday with the desire to appear with-it and the need to be completely real with the people around me. If I can’t be myself then I don’t want to be, but I just wish “myself” was something else most of the time.

It’s so ridiculous but the people that I most want to impress are people who aren’t in my life anymore. I’m okay with my current friends knowing everything about me and my current issues, but not people from my past. Every once in a while I get the urge to look up people I went to school with. I guess a lot of people do that, since it’s so easy with the internet and all. But I don’t have Myspace or Facebook and I tend to keep my real name off of most things on the web. So I use Joe’s accounts to look at people I knew long ago and see what they’re like, or at least what they look like.

A lot of the girls seem to have kids and the guys are in college, but most of them are still in or around my hometown. It makes me a bit sad for them and I think I judge them. Maybe thinking their lives are awful makes me feel better about my own, but I don’t think it does. Because for some reason, I don’t want those people to find me. I don’t want them to know that I had a crazy 8 years since I left and now I’m 3,000 miles away living on SSI for being nuts and being taken care of by my sister and boyfriend. I want them to find that I’m successful, and gorgeous, and all the things I’m not at the moment. I want them to look at my pictures and think “Wow, I wrote that girl off in high school but she looks like she’s actually pretty cool”.

It’s so embarrassing to feel that way. It’s embarrassing to admit that I still care what people from high school think, even all these years later… I really wish I didn’t, and I don’t know why I do.

Well how’s that for being real? I think I need a break from reality for a bit…


2 Responses to “After 15 hours of sleep…”

  1. Cathie Says:

    Wow, I’m impressed. I’m not exactly familiar with blogs. It’s an attractive website. But it’s also like a bunch of letters. I like it. I only wish you would write more about your anxiety!

  2. I know, and I will. It’s just really hard to write all my personal business to the world, you know? But I’m actually not feeling anxiety right now. I wrote what I was thinking about and feeling this morning and I will continue to do so. Don’t worry, next time I have a panic attack or whatever, I’ll write about it.

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