Going Under…

March 16, 2010

Cards Flying

This is a bit how I'm feeling today, frightened and overwhelmed by the world around me...

Today has been hard. Yesterday was a bit hard as well. Last night, we were talking about going to see the new Alice in Wonderland movie. It’s sort of insane, really, for me to consider trying to go see it in the theater, but I really want to try. I figure if I take xanex then it might not be so bad. It’s not as hard being around people in the city, I know they probably wont try to talk to me. I just really want to see it in an IMAX theater. I’m so in love with Tim Burton and Danny Elfman and the whole movie looks spectacular, I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if it was available in an IMAX and I didn’t see it.

The problem is once we started talking about buying tickets, it started becoming more like reality and I started getting scared. At one point I asked Joe if he could call ahead and try to talk them into letting me come in a back door so I could skip the whole standing in a crowded lobby bit, and Joe started saying how improbable it was that they’d let me and I started to get more upset. When I’m feeling on edge already and I ask for help and I get that “I probably can’t help you so I’m not even going to try” voice, I get really freaked out. So I asked them if we could talk about it later, took a xanex and tried to calm down.

That night I think I slept 13 hours. When I woke up, I thought I’d feel better but I didn’t. I’ve been grappling all day with this awful feeling of sadness that I can’t seem to shake. I just feel so deeply and utterly down, like a piece of me is broken inside. I have my ups and downs and this is what I feel like when I’m down. It’s so hard when just a few days ago I was so happy and excited. I’ve been trying to work on my dolls, to get myself out of this funk, but I feel so stuck here.

I think it might be time to take my remedy. This is usually what happens when I need to take it, but it also might just be lingering stress from the thought of going out. I have an appointment to talk to my naturopath on Thursday, it always helps to talk to her. And she can tell me whether or not to take my remedy.

I am going to see Alice in the theater and I am going to work on my dolls. I just don’t know how much I’ll enjoy any of it.

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One Response to “Going Under…”

  1. carl (clbatelier on flickr) Says:

    i thought i’d die when i said i wanted to go see it and then found out it was opening day. just lucked out i guess. it was the early/first show and not many people must have been off work. bought the tickets on line, walked straight up to the door–no wait, strait to the show, right to the middle (where my daughter “has” to sit), and ended up with the whole row to ourselves. try a midday, midweek show. i bet you’ll like it. somehow those 3d shows are easier to get lost in / makes it easier to ignor what’s going on around you.

    xanex kills me. took it once and took me two days to find normal again.

    best thoughts, carl

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