Stuck again…

March 27, 2010

My desk, a disaster of half finished art

Okay, so I’m not sure if this has to do with my anxiety, but I’m stuck again. This happens to me at least once a month, I just get in a rut. It’s not for lack of inspiration, more like motivation. Right now I’m in the middle of about six different projects, but I can’t seem to get into any of them! It’s really frustrating. For the past few days, all I’ve wanted is to sleep, or watch movies or something equally sloth-like. I hate feeling this way. No energy, no drive. It’s exhausting to be exhausted.

I know it’s almost time for me to take my remedy again, but it’s so confusing sometimes as to whether or not I should take it. My naturopath has told me that it’s worse to take it too soon, that it will make me feel awful if I do. She’s left it up to me to decide when to take each dose.

They’re a little more than a month apart each time. It used to be easy to tell when my last dose was starting to fade. I’d start to get antsy, anxious and touchy. Little things would bother me that I would normally shrug off, like spilling a glass of water would throw me into a panic attack, when only a week earlier I would just clean it up. Then I would take my remedy and feel so serene. Within a few days of taking it, I’d be back to my normal, able self. But things have changed in the past few months.

Lately the affects of my remedy are much more subtle. Which my doctor assures me is a good sign, it means there’s less of a difference between me on and off my remedy. That’s really great, I’m glad I’m doing better, but it makes taking my remedy a lot harder. I have no idea if I need to take it right now. I think maybe I do but I’m not sure. I just think about it all day long. Maybe if I took my remedy, I would have energy and I would be motivated to work. Maybe if I took it, I would feel all crazy because it’s too soon! I don’t know! I have to wait until there’s no question as to whether or not it’s time, but it’s so hard to have patience when I feel this way. I just want it to be over. I want to feel like me again. I want to get lost in my art. I want to wake up excited each day. I want my eyes to stop aching for sleep.

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2 Responses to “Stuck again…”

  1. jani Says:

    Hi.
    I have seen your dolls on flickr and they are so beautiful. I also have been reading your blog,and I can relate to a lot of the things that you’ve said.I’m a LOT older than you(55!) but I still don’t have a regular job. I’ve had some,but I never seem to fit in. I’m also an artist,and just started to make some dolls myself.I always thought’artsy’ dolls were silly,and now I love them. I was a painter but haven’t done much lately.
    I have depression,and ADD, & I often start things and leave them for a long time.I like to store up materials so I have everything I need and yet,sometimes I just can’t get started. I need lots of time alone,& I’m lucky to have a great husband who understands me.
    I just wanted to tell you that you have inspired me to work on my dolls,and you’re not at all alone with your problems,even though it seems like that. I’m glad you’re getting some help from a therapist.I can’t really afford to go to one right now,but they can be motivating. I liked reading a book called ‘Art & Fear’, you might like it too.
    Good luck! ,and I’ll stop by now & then to catch up on how you’re doing.
    xxx
    jani


    • Thank you so much! It makes me so happy to hear from other artists who understand what it’s like. I know there are a lot of folks out there like us, that’s one of the reasons I started this blog. I want to have a place where we can share our experiences, or at least people can read about how I’m living with it all, if they don’t want to share. John Lennon once said “If I could be a fuckin’ fisherman I would. If I had the capabilities of being something other than I am, I would. It’s no fun being an artist.” A lot of times I agree. Being an artist can seem like such a curse, when it is so all consuming that you really can’t do anything else, but it can also be wonderful. I really think that a lot of my mental challenges are directly related to my art and my abilities as an artist, I’m just not quite sure how yet…

      I’m so glad that you’re feeling inspired and I’d love to see some photos, if you’d like to attach them onto a comment. I’ll definitely check out that book.

      Thanks for all your wonderful kind words!

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