Remedy Day

March 31, 2010

My Remedy

So before I drone on and on about the last two days and the ups and downs of seeing Alice and having an eye exam, I need to talk about today.

Today was really awful. Today was the day I finally knew it was time to take my remedy. I felt so sad and terrible all morning. I had trouble moving and when I moved from my bed I lay on the couch instead.

Listening to the radio.

Staring at nothing.

I’ve been feeling this way for a few days now but today was much worse.

Joe tried to cheer me up but I was so sad. I’m very scared about the next ten days. Our landlord will be putting in a composting toilet and so if I want to avoid contact with him, I have to hide out in Sarah’s tiny room, which is a 6×6 (maybe, that’s just a guess) little cabin that is very cold and off away from the house a bit. I’m so unhappy about it all. I don’t want to go, and be stuck in this little room without my computer or my art supplies. I can come inside in the night, when the landlord wont be working, but otherwise I’m stuck out there. It’s really awful what a prison it can be to be afraid of everyone, but I’d rather be in misery in that tiny little shack than be exposed to this stranger. Being around people is so frightening, I feel like spider, like I may be safe hiding in a corner, but who knows when they see me if they’ll pick me up and kindly put me outside or if they’ll squash me with a shoe. I’m not ready for people… Not yet.

Anyway, I tried to feel better. I watched James and the Giant Peach, but it didn’t help much and it only gave me a headache. Joe came home with sweet words and gave me a mango and hugs and made me hot cocoa and did everything he could think of to make me feel better (he’s so amazing) but I couldn’t shake the dark heaviness that was pulling me down. I tried to play Super Nintendo, that usually cheers me up. But instead I couldn’t do anything right and I only got more and more upset until I was crying and shaking and wanting to smash the controller in my hand. That’s when I realized it was time to take my remedy. As I shook and tried hard not to have a panic attack rocking back and forth while Joe doled out my remedy for me.

When I feel this way, it's as if I'm a wind-up toy who has been wound all the way but is being held too tightly to move. To have a panic attack, to convulse and shake, is almost welcome because it seems like the only release for that energy, the only way to wind the key down to stillness.

Once I had it under my tongue, I started to feel better, calmer. I curled up on the couch and rocked myself while Joe read to me from “The Subtle Knife” (The second book in the Golden Compass Trilogy which we are reading together). By the time he stopped, I felt calm. And now I am a lot better. I still feel the remnants of that cloud, like a dark etherial hand trying to squeeze my life out through my heart. It’s faded a lot, but there’s still a lingering unexplainable sadness and a tightness in my heart.

We’re going to have dinner soon, and maybe watch Wall-e. which neither of us has seen yet. I think I will feel better tomorrow, but then I’ll be stuck out in Sarah’s room… I’m trying not to think about it.

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