May 28, 2010

Lately this blog seems pointless. I really wanted to start it in order to get my experiences with my social anxiety out into the ether and to have a place to talk about my art, but lately I’m not using it for either.

I recently joined a forum called SocialPhobiaWorld. com. I’ve been writing on it a lot and I was really enjoying it. I was doing what I do best which is giving advice and trying to help people. It was going well and I even got a bit of inspiration from reading other people’s stories. But the other day, I replied to a thread called “Why can’t I talk about myself” where I voiced that the reason I spend all my time on the forum giving advice and not talking about my deep-seeded issues is because I feel that no one wants to listen. I had just written on another thread where I had said something extremely personal and intense. It was a rarity for me, I usually don’t do that, but I was really feeling like this forum actually WAS some sort of community for me. The problem is, after I bared my soul, everyone who had been writing back and forth stopped. Then when I wrote about it on the “why can’t I talk about myself” thread, the conversation there also stopped. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m expecting too much from this internet “community”, but I can’t help but feel hurt and angry.

My whole life, I’ve always had trouble finding people who actually will listen to me, when I’m not giving advice. I’ve had one friend after another, from middle school all the way through my adult life who would rather turn the conversation around to themselves or hang up the phone rather than hear what is bothering ME. Because of this, I stopped talking about me. Now, I actually HAVE people who want to listen. My boyfriend, my sister, my friend who I lived with two years ago but I don’t talk to them. Now this aversion to speaking my heart has become a habit. It’s so hard to be real with people because somewhere inside me I feel that they don’t actually care, even when they say they do.

Right now, I am angry. I don’t want to tell anyone anything ever again. I am so mad at all the world for being so selfish. I am so frustrated that I actually trusted random strangers on the internet to listen to me, when I couldn’t even get it from people I called my friends. I am so full of rage, I keep lashing out at Joe and Sarah. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have no desire to make art, no desire to do anything. I’m just angry. And I’m definitely not going to write on that forum anymore. It makes me feel so used when everyone loves to listen to me talk about them, but they wont even respond when I talk about myself.

I’m pretty sure I antidoted my remedy, and I hope that I feel better when I take it again. I know that anger is a huge step up from how I usually feel without it, which is depressed and unmotivated, but anger feels so awful. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, it’s so painful.

So I wonder what the point is of this blog? I have 9 subscribers and at least three of them are family. Who am I even talking to? Who is listening? Who cares? It seems pointless to keep it up when I don’t even know if anyone is reading. And it’s been so long since I made any art… I don’t even have pictures for my posts right now… And I don’t care enough to find any. I just don’t care. So maybe I’ll keep writing, maybe I wont. I guess the only way I’m going to keep this up is if I care enough, because I’m not going to sit around waiting for other people to.

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8 Responses to “”


  1. I agree. You gotta do it for what it does for you to do it. I love your photos and your art, and you and I are neighbors geographically so I feel a kind of cyber-simpatico. But it’s just one more task unless you enjoy peeling back your own layers. That’s why I write, anyway.

    You can take breaks too. Just write when you really WANT to?


    • You’re right, and I do need to write it for me and when I really want to. I don’t think I’ll be writing much for a while. I don’t really want to write when I don’t have pictures to put along with it all. The gloomy weather might be letting up soon, but I don’t know how many different ways I can photograph the yard and the gardens before it gets old. Hopefully my studio will be done soon, then I can get back to being an artist…


  2. BTW, when I’m angry I do housework or practice guitar scales. Once in a great while I will exercise when angry, but in any case the one thing it’s always good for is producing energy – which you can point at tasks you normally get bored doing.

  3. dragonray Says:

    I found your blog one day trolling around the internet for rape related things, so social phobias was something I was investigsting as well. I found your blog quite open and I love reading about your progress and excitments, like your compost cage!!

    I myself am in the same situation, I spend all the time helping people out and listening to them, just yesterday I told one of the girls I thought I was friends with that I was raped and she was like..”thats horrible I can’t imagine what you went through, but I can’t believe that this girl is being so mean to me!!!”

    I just rolled my eyes and thought pretty much about every swear word under the sun.

    I think it takes a lot to find a friendship – online is even harder as you don’t have the face to face contact that friends generally have. I actually have only one person – my husband – who I can talk to, but you know sometimes I would love a girlfriend to just give me a hug, pass me a tissue and let me cry. There is something very real and comforting about tactile occurances when one is feeling low.

    The only real advice I can offer you is to not lose faith, some poeple (I have found recently) when you open up to them, want to be there to help you, but have NO idea HOW to, so give it time and eventually you will find other people like me, who do want to give you the time of day 😀 Also the majority of people who join those communities want to be the poor me syndrome and have everyone swanning over them. I have joined many over the years and have never lasted more than about 3 weeks…they are just full of people not caring (even though they profess to) – hell maybe they do they just suck at showing how 😀

    Don’t waste your anger on them, find the emotion and use it for your art, just remember that of the billions of people in the world you have seen a small selection of people (let’s say 30,000 at really optimistic) who have a mental health issue….they are more than likely not as lucid or together as the other 60,000 with a mental health issue who ISN’T online 🙂

    Obviously figures are crap – but just trying to get my point across that you have touched a small selection of humanity….don’t let wankers get you down!

    Hugs and kisses
    onyxiia


    • Wow. Thanks so much for writing… and reading. It makes me feel a bit better that someone like you is reading my blog, someone who’s got their own issues… I hope it helps at least a little bit to read about mine.

      Friendship is a funny thing. Most of the time I’m not even sure what it really means. I haven’t had a lot of real “friends” in my life. I’ve had tons of acquaintances and people I called my friends, but they weren’t really. I know what you mean about having a girlfriend. I long for a girlfriend. I’m so jealous of women who are super close with other women. Have you read The Red Tent? That’s what I want. I just want to be surrounded by women, yet I’m usually not. I live with my sister and my boyfriend and I don’t feel that ultimate closeness with my sister that I wish I did, but maybe someday I will…

      You are definitely right, and full of good advice. I shouldn’t let silly online forum people get to me. I shouldn’t expect them to care about what I have to say, that was a big mistake on my part. I’m done caring what they think, but I’m also done caring about writing about them. I don’t plan on writing on the forum anymore, if I’m just going to give and give I would rather have my own advice column than be a part of some imaginary “community”. I wont loose faith in people, either. I know there are good people out there, and I’ve got a few that are waiting for me to talk to them…. The problem is I’m too terrified of opening up to the real people in my life, it was so much easier to do it in the imaginary internet world.

      You are fabulous and sweet, I hope that you are far on your own road to healing. You sound to me like you understand enough about yourself and the world to really move past all the wrong that’s been done to you, but I know it’s such a long, scary and miserable road to travel. At least it leads somewhere lovely.


  4. Ohh, I am listening now 🙂
    Wow…it is amazing, and quite honestly, I have no words, I just sit here, looking at the most amazing tiny flowers, reading you, and taking a deep breath…I just want to say, thanks for sharing your heart….perhaps, people who went silent were in awe as you opened yourself to them, because that is what I see…you are like those flowers, gentle and tender heart.
    Stay in touch will you?…hugs. Gris

  5. Sma Says:

    uhh i don’t think it’s wrong that you were helping people on that forum. you should give without expecting something in return. otherwise it’s not called giving, it’s called exchange..might as well charge money for it while you`re at it. be selfless instead..
    you`re angry because people don`t give back but why should they? most people are too tied up in their own shit to care about others. people that also try and help are more rare and i hope you find those also. but don’t stop giving and blaming the community for your attitude. although i do understand you and often i have the same problem, that’s why i stumbled on your blog and read some and it’s nice, too bad you stopped writing. it’s hard to meet the right people..i`m still trying..but what i found is the more i change environment the better my life becomes..
    i`m sorry if i sound too harsh i don’t mean it..just feel like you`re looking at giving from a very weird angle. and reading what people write on forums really help me..i try to look for people with similar issues like me and see how they deal.
    i came across a nice quote today, maybe you like it also,
    “All happiness comes from the desire for others to be happy.
    All misery comes from the desire for oneself to be happy.”

    have a nice day!


    • I agree with you, actually. I believe completely that we should give without expecting anything in return. I guess it wasn’t so much that I got nothing back as that I felt like the “community” left me hanging. I didn’t expect anything in return for my contribution to the site, but the lack of responses to my own issues made me feel like I was being ignored or left out. I don’t really think the two are connected in the way you suggest. I would never offer help to others with strings attached or any ideas of getting something in return for it, I was only sad that this so called community of people who I felt I could connect with on some level weren’t there for me when I needed them to be. It doesn’t help that this is a recurring problem in my life or that I automatically assume that there’s something wrong with me that makes people do this to me again and again. Looking back now, all these months later I think it was silly of me to put my faith in strangers on a website and that it was unreasonable for me to expect anything of them. Forums are mostly for venting, not for support.

      I’m not really angry about, more sad. I just have a hard time trusting people and a lot of times when I do I realize I put my trust in the wrong people. I’ll never stop giving to others, I can’t it’s just my nature. But I need to learn how to give what I’m able to rather than everything I have because it’s when I give too much that I feel drained and taken advantage of. I’m not trying to blame anyone for anything, my feelings were hurt because of my own history and my personal issues, not because someone mistreated me. I was upset when I wrote this post and I was venting it.

      I’m glad you like my blog, sorry I stopped writing… My life’s been crazy and hard and I just haven’t had much interest in airing it to the world. Plus, my boyfriend left me and I know it sounds crazy but I don’t really want him reading about my life… I’m still pretty bitter. I hope to get back to it someday, maybe when I recover a bit more from the disaster which was my love life.

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